What I'm Afraid Of

One thing I enjoy posting on here, both to share with any of you who read here and also for me to have an easy place to come back to, is videos.  Music videos that I love, and spoken word videos that inspire and teach me.  I've posted videos from a guy named Jon Jorgenson before - both of his Who You Are videos that are incredible and profound encouragement for both men and women, and his video titled The Wall which taught me a lot about what God can do in seemingly broken and hopeless situations.

Well, after some things that went down tonight, I couldn't help but think of his newest video "What Are You Afraid Of?".



I used to be afraid at night. Afraid of the dark. Afraid that just beyond the point my eyesight allowed me to see that there was something lurking. Afraid that the darkness itself would somehow surround me and swallow me up...as if darkness were anything more than simply the absence of light.

I used to be afraid of tomorrow. Afraid that who I was would continually dictate who I am and that who I would be might be someone who I didn't like very much at all...as if there was no such thing as being made new.

I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams...as if I started doing this for the approval of many rather than the glory of One.

I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference? As if those setbacks were anything more than stepping stones on the path to success.

I used to be afraid.  Used to.

But then I did a little research.  And by that, I mean I re-searched, and I re-searched, and I re-searched, over and over again, and through all of my re-searching, I kept coming up with the same exact question: What room does fear have?

What room does fear have when I cling to trust? What room does fear have when I lean on hope? What room does fear have when I search for something more, when I discover what's good, and when I stand in awe? When I run with perseverance, when I walk by faith, and when I rest in comfort. What room does fear have when I sing with praise, when I take hold of inspiration, explore the possibilities, and step into freedom? What room does fear have when I discover strength, embrace courage, remember peace, declare truth, choose joy, experience life, and conquer death? What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look? In weakness, when I'm saved by the most unlikely of heroes. By grace, when I'm invited into a relationship more loving and intimate than I could ever imagine as a child of God.

I'll ask you again: what room does fear have when I step out of the darkness, and I bask in the light? When I let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want but their opinion doesn't matter! And when failure is nothing more and nothing less than the road by which I walk my path to success.

I'll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times (*depending on the translation) DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that's how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.

What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?

What are you afraid of?

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I used to be afraid of opinions. Afraid that though words would not break my bones, they certainly would shatter my dreams...as if I started doing this for the approval of many rather than the glory of One.

This has been my biggest struggle for as long as I can remember, and it's been hitting me especially hard lately.  In fact, I was crying not even two hours ago because someone I love very deeply said some things that felt like they pushed all the dreams I have for my future to the breaking point.  Which has pretty much been a recurring theme in my life.  I hear these voices that tell me I'm not good enough, smart enough, kind enough, talented enough, that seem so loud I can't seem to ignore them, and the more I love the people behind the voices, the more likely I am to believe them.  What's sticking out to me right now is that I had myself convinced for quite a while that that was the old me...I guess I'm not as far from the old me as I thought.  Summer and I talked about this last night, and I know I've said it here on the blog before; you think that your scars are just a part of your past and they don't dictate who you are or how you react anymore, but they're still the most tender and vulnerable part of you and they get ripped back open fresh when you least expect it.  But another friend told me something tonight that was actually what made me think of this video: "You have to decide that you are enough.  That God is enough.  That your approval comes from Him and not anyone else."  Approval is a very hard thing for me.  I crave it.  But in the end, I don't want to do what I do, make the choices I make, live the way I live for anyone but God, because when I'm standing in front of Him answering for this life and finally with the chance to sing at His feet, none of these other people are going to even come to mind...no matter how strongly I love them now.  And it's not about me, anyway.  It's about Him.

I used to be afraid of failure. Afraid of losing. Afraid of falling. Afraid of being wrong, creating busts, and looking absolutely stupid because who am I to think that I could ever actually make a difference?

I hate messing things up.  Hate it.  I hate making people upset.  I hate causing a gap in my friendships.  I hate being responsible for negative reactions.  I even get scared trying to help people sometimes because I'm afraid they don't want my help and I'll just annoy them.  And despite all the people who tell me that my heart for others is a blessing and a gift and that they've seen it do good, I automatically focus on the people who tell me how big of a pain I am, that I just need to stop caring so much.  Again, the negativity wins.  Even though I have a letter taped on my wall from a girl who had never even met me but wanted to tell me how sharing my heart had helped her.  Even though the people that I am closest to in this life have told me more times than I can count that they love me just as I am.  I still don't want to be me all the time because I'm afraid I'll mess things up and people will laugh at me or just not like me.  In fact, I sometimes assume that people are mad at me when they've given me no real reason to think so.  It's insane!  I want to make a difference with people.  Being me and loving people like I do has made a difference.  Why isn't that enough encouragement for me to be the person God created?

What room does fear have when I find perfection in the one place I never thought to look?

As soon as I typed that line out, I thought of 2 Corinthians 12:9.  "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"  That verse right there?  That holds the rest that this perfectionist needs.  His grace and power will more than make up for my (many!) shortcomings.  Yet so often, I fail to turn to Him and let Him do what I need and what He desires.  I don't have to be perfect, I'm not a failure because I'm not, simply because He is.  God is enough.  There's no room for the enemy in my heart when I let Him fill me up.  I've spent so much time focusing on my own shortcomings that I fail to focus on, or even really remember, all that He is capable of.

I'll ask you again: what room does fear have when I...let the past be the past and the future has no limit. When they can talk all they want but their opinion doesn't matter! 

It's long past time I stop letting the person who I was decide the person that I am and will be.  I have so much ahead of me, and the biggest thing that is going to hold me back is my own unwillingness to let the only Voice that truly matters tell me who I am.  It's long past time I tell the people and voices who try to tear me down and crush my heart and dreams that they don't have the power to dictate where I will go or what I can do.  I can't make them stop talking, but I can prevent them from making me break down in tears at 11:00 on a Wednesday night.  The only power that they have is the power that I give them, and I'm choosing not to give it to them anymore.  Because in the end, their opinion just. doesn't. matter.

I'll ask you one last time: what room does fear have when in His Word, He tells me three hundred and sixty-five times (*depending on the translation) DO. NOT. BE. AFRAID. As if I needed to hear that every single day. And as if that's how many times I needed to hear it before I finally believed it.

This is an example of why one of my goals for this year, one of the ways in which I see my One Word coming to life, is by digging into my Bible to learn the heart of who God really is.  Because I have a Father who loves me enough to tell me the same lesson over and over and over again.  He doesn't want me to miss it.  He doesn't want me to live in fear.  Pressing into Him and what He tells me is how I will find the strength not to let the negative voices take over my heart.  Letting Him speak His truth into my heart every single day is what I need to hear Him above everything else.

What room does fear have when I make room for LOVE?

I serve a jealous God.  He wants all of me.  And when I give myself completely to Him, the enemy won't have space to come in.  Plain and simple.